Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
