What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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