I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
