you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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