seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
God, I missed his penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
