True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
