he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
