chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
