i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
