he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
