Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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