When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
