i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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