I got chris browned last night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
