i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
