he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
