we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
it's like heaven, but drunker
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
