woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
