I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
