what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
