I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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