At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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