I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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