Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
