matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
