My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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