true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
