I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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