mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
