i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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