It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
