I'm going to jail i love you
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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