That's intense
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
