dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
