I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
