oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I wear drunk well.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
