I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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