the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
