So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
