So drunk its hurt
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
