Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
