While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
