Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
