in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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