Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
