U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
