He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
