Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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