There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
