What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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