well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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