i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
