so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
